


this is the feeling i've been searching for my entire life

by lurKINGaroundd



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Mentions of drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 14:29:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18448484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lurKINGaroundd/pseuds/lurKINGaroundd
Summary: Love wasn't enough, it never was. The shit Michelle filled her body with also wasn't.MJ and Peter, except MJ is like Rue from Euphoria.





	this is the feeling i've been searching for my entire life

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually sorry for writing this, lol.

She was 10 years old, and she shouldn't have accepted that, but she did. Michelle was only 10, she was a stupid kid, so when her even more stupid older cousin gave her a cigarette, she tried it.

Looking back, that moment had nothing to do with how Michelle found herself right now. She didn't even remember it for the longest time, the only reason for the recall being that she had just burned her thighs with a cigarette, exactly how she had done that day, years ago, as a naive kid.

Back then, she didn't even do it right, she only coughed, feeling so unwell due to the smoke inside of her. 

Now, Michelle knew how to do it well, the feeling of the smoke inside, and the stimulation in her brain was barely enough. Actually, it wasn't enough at all.

As a kid, she couldn't help but right away tell her parents what she had done, and what a bad child she had been.

Now, Michelle could barely feel guilt anymore, and with that, nothing and no one could stop her. Not her parents, not even Peter. 

_Love wasn't enough, it never was._ The shit she filled her body with also wasn't, but she would do anything to feel the adrenaline, the high, and how all of it could send all that torturous empty inside of her to go running.

Sometimes it was nothing, something it was a music, and there was absolutely no warning, if that urge came, it came, and she had to do something about it. 

_Oh, Michelle loved her parents,_ but she didn't love them enough. She could only see it that way. They weren't enough for her, no matter how they tried, and she just couldn't help it.

She remembered how some time ago, when she would think, _if it wasn't for the ones who loved her, she’d fuck it up._ Well, Michelle fucked it up despite them, she really just couldn't help it. 

Her eyes used to look like dead fish, especially during the days when she couldn't get up from bed to save her life.

Now, Michelle felt alive, and her eyes seemed like they've seen everything, and based on the way people looked at her, she knew it wasn't a good look either. They probably still looked like dead fish, and she’s the only one who sees, or better yet, who feels, like they’re any different.

The sadness, pity, and agony so clearly on Peter’s eyes that were staring at her right now told everything she needed to know about how fucked up she looked. Michelle didn't care for her, but she felt bad for him. 

She shook the ashes from her thighs, the ones that burned, the little accident that made her reminisce as she waited for Peter to come get her. 

He had come because she called, because she didn't know where the fuck she was. 

It was selfish, to make him see her like that, in her worst, but she figured selfish was just one more of the many things she was. The many bad things. 

Michelle disposed of the rest of her cigarette. Then, she noticed that it didn't matter how much shit she tried, she would always come back to the good and old ciggies. She wondered if that said something about her, but then she realized she didn't care. It was just disgusting, that’s all it said.

Michelle tried to get up from her spot on the ground in the dirty alley. She fell. 

Peter helped her up, even carrying her in his back, not minding how dirty she was, and probably smelly, not that she herself could sense it.

He wasn't wearing his superhero suit as he often would whenever someone called for him late at night. Now, _that_ probably meant something. 

Peter knew he couldn't save her, he finally gave up.

"I'm sorry." She muttered.

"No, you're not." He said back.

Michelle thought about it, and maybe he was right, she probably didn't even care. It was too late for that anyway. The damage had been done, and she did it again, and again, and again, and that could certainly tell how she wasn't sorry at all. 

Peter didn't cry, as he would often do, he just carried her with purpose. 

Michelle smiled to herself, there were no tears from him because he was sick of it. Peter was finally sick of her.

**Author's Note:**

> (English is not my native language, so I apologize for any mistakes.)
> 
> This is shitty, so thank god it's short. Blame the new Euphoria trailer for this. (Support Zendaya and her new project on HBO.)
> 
> Find me on twitter: @lurKINGaroundd  
> or tumblr: @lurkingg-around
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
